4/21/2022-4/29/2022

I interrupted my PCT adventure after just a few days to go say goodbye to my Gran EB. When I got off trail it took 2 days to get to NH. Then I had 4 days there saying goodbye. When I returned to San Diego I needed some time to recharge from the trip so I could attack the trail. There is much journaling I did in that time and below I’ll include passages that connected me back to the trail.

4/21/22
At certain points in my life my conversations, the books I read, life all overlap in bizarre ways. “Origins” by Dan Brown and Imitation Game both discussed Alan Turing. Breathing/Meditation, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, Being Mortal by Atul Gawanda, Donald’s swim training. Conversations with Cody and Gran EB about going off trail and getting back on. All these topics colliding. To me, it’s a sign from the universe that I’m where I should be, doing and absorbing what I should be.
I called Gran EB today to tell her I’m coming to see her. “I don’t, I don’t understand” – She said. But she was excited to see me once I told her it was a quick PCT break to heal my blisters. Dad said she was “emotional and very excited you are coming.” Some things I want to say to her or ask her… “It’s been 25 years since you’ve seen Grandfather, what are you gonna ask him about?” and “B/c I got to know you I am a different person.”
-The rush of emotion when Gran EB said “I don’t, I don’t understand.” was a powerful moment for me. In her reaction I sensed, for the first time, that she was grasping that she was going to have her final goodbye’s with people she loves. How quickly and seamlessly she could have this realization and return to her “normal” self is something I can’t fathom.

4/24/22
Triangle for the day: Meditate, Stretch, Read
Yesterday: Morning chat with Mom, Taryn, Leigh, Dad. Hike @ Swasey Forest w/ Dad. Hang w/ Gran EB, Cathy, Taryn, Leigh. Firepit w/ Mom & Dad.

Alone in a forest, the best time to think
The animals know I’m here
The trees stand unmoving
I’ll stop here and wait awhile
Not because I like what I see but because I’m unsure of what I may
(Written in the Exeter Forest behind the PEA football stadium)

Had 1 on 1 time with Gran EB. I gave her the trail map, drew in the different sections of trail (S Cali, Sierra’s, N Cali, Oregon, Washington). Gave her the origami Crane from Callum. She loved it! I asked her if she would want me to return for her final days when they happen… “No! I don’t want you to return. You are doing what I wish I was doing.”
She told me stories and thoughts she hadn’t ever told anyone. “My Dad didn’t hear the phone so the hospital got in touch with me. When I got there my Mom was already moved out. They gave me her stuff in a box. She was at the end of the hall in a zipped up bag. I suppressed that memory… When she died was the only time I saw my father cry.”
“I hope they have good pain pills for the end. I don’t like pain.”
“I don’t worry about you. You are so amazing in what you do. You know how to live.”
“Arthur died. And the neighbor didn’t see him for a little so she grabbed some homemade honey and went over. He didn’t answer so she called Mary Lou. Mary Lou found him in bed. Dr. Watkins came over and pronounced him dead. The ambulance came and all that ugly stuff. Then Mary Lou felt the bed, ‘Wait! He’s not dead! The bed is still warm!’ but it was an electric blanket!” and she giggled at that electric blanket being on.
At the time no one at riverwoods knew that she had been given a death sentence. “I’m excited to tell everyone here (@ riverwoods), they’ll have to be nice to me.”

4/25/22

I’m sitting on a log in the woods. A few moments ago I said my final goodbye to Gran EB.
Gran EB: “You have such good energy, and you are inquisitive, and you adventure and explore. Keep climbing those mountains.”
Gran EB and I held hands for the last minutes, exchanging “I Love You” squeezes and “you stink” squeezes. I leaned in and put my head on her shoulder and rested there. My eyes got watery, her eyes got watery. We stood and went to hug, it started with her putting the crown of her head on my chest, we laughed. Then I held her for a long embrace, the last time I ever will, and we cried. She walked me to the door. I puffed up my cheek, as she did, and we pushed them together to fart the air out.
Gran EB: “Hike with me out on the trail.”
Me: “I will. When I think of you it will always be with a giggle.”
Gran EB: “I Love You:
Me: “Bye, I Love You”

4/26/22 Donald’s apartment on Marigold Ct in Carlsbad
Flight home yesterday I stayed distracted. On the plane I felt how the grief and stress has made me sore and tired. I gave myself permission to rest for a few days before hitting the trail again.

4/27/22 Carlsbad, CA
If I just stay here, and do nothing
If I just stay here, she won’t die
I can’t stay here, the trail is before me
Each step is closer to the end
one day when death arrives
I’ll turn and see the path behind that’s been walked.

4/28/22 Carlsbad, CA
I’m so afraid to go back on the PCT, with each step I’m getting closer to losing Gran EB. That’s the fear, the ugly side. But, How beautiful can I make the trail out there? How much can I complete and tell her about? How much Love can I get from the trail to send to her?

4/29/22 Carlsbad, CA
-Painted clouds at the beach
-Walked home on the concrete wall
-Dinner @ Kuchi Sushi w/ Donald
-Whiskey night, YouTube, Heart to Heart conversations
-Goodnight Facetime w/ Maize.